The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.