When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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