I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
that’s really how it is
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days