My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
going to the ER y’all need anything
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Oh my God.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Previously On Persistence 😎
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”