at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
You Might Also Like
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”