Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.