Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.