SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Current mood: Potato
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“HELP WITH CAT”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it