Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*