Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Finally a use for spoilers…
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.