Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”