I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.