[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect