Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
How to draw a duck
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?