“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Running from your problems is cardio .
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back