Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Ummm
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?