Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
You Might Also Like
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.