the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?