My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.