Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
monday
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5