Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.