Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.