I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I need to update my racial profile.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.