After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.