Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp