very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
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[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I feel it
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.