[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
this article brought to you by lions
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.