So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”