oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
sir, my pâté if you please
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.