Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?