Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow