Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You Might Also Like
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
This January has 47 Mondays
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.