Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.