Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.