Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo