I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings