Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
they split up moments later
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!