I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
This is no longer an app but a mishapp