Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Camping tip: No.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while