Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.