App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
You Might Also Like
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool