the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks