[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.