Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”