That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*