I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m putting together a team
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]