every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.