Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.