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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button