God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
United Steaks of America
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool